3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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