Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
