Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't deserve a penis
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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