My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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