Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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