i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
