Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
