I think im going to throw up on grandma
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
