don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
