Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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