Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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