Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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