You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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