a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
there is glitter all over my balls
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
