I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
