I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you win again, gameday.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
