the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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