She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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