I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
