Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
