she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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