Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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