I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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