My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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