I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
