I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
