I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
