I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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