This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
