At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
