You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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