I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
you had me at cake vodka
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
