The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
