I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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