He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
