the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
