The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
