I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
