Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
