I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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