I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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