The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
