If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
