i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
