I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
