Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
