Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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