turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
being pregnant is like rehab
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
