Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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