it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
